Why am I doing this?

In the midst of the current disruption in our world by the coronavirus I have been asking myself, how can I contribute value? It has been the question Wayne, my mentor, has been challenging me to answer for myself for the last couple months. I am very fortunate to be at a place in my life that with all the chaos and fear I am finding myself at peace. I am no stranger to adversity and in my past I lived in an almost constant state of stress. It was my addiction. How I escaped and avoided everything I did not want to feel. I was terrified of connection because I didn’t want anyone to know how horrible I felt about myself. Hell, I didn’t want to feel it or remember it either. I avoided through keeping busy. It was how I derived my self worth. Pouring all of myself into building my business was my way of telling myself that if I got that right and made good money, everything would be easier and fall into place. Well, I was mostly wrong. (Being right or wrong was just another thing I was in the grips of as well). I thought making money was the answer because I blamed a lot of my problems and the way I grew up on not having enough. So simple right? Just make good money. Sure it made things easier. At least it gave me the illusion it did. My problem was my context for good money was extremely limited. But I will get into that at a later date. Back to why I am doing this…

I realized after years of busting my ass, chasing, fighting, keeping my head down, nose to the grindstone and pursuing success, that I was chasing an illusion. I was living in a racket of my own making. For reasons I am still learning about, I would have been stuck in that racket if I had not chosen to begin the journey of learning to just be, instead of just do. I am grateful for all the adversity in my life that I chose to use it to fuel my desire to be a better person. To feel better. To heal.

Maybe this sounds familiar. Maybe it doesn’t. My intention with this blog is to challenge myself to face my fear of opening up to the world and find out what I might have to offer. My intention is to learn to share what I do have to offer and learn better how to share it. My intention is to stay on my own journey of healing and honor myself and my commitment to living my best life. My intention is to help as many people as I can shine a light on the shadows in their life and what is in their way of living the best life possible.

Would you agree that a lot of people believe they had a less than ideal start to life? That they could have had it easier, or that their dad wasn’t an asshole or their mom could have been a little less overbearing? Maybe they think they could have lived in a better house, or a better neighborhood or perhaps gone to a better school. Of course that is always possible. But it could have been a hell of a lot worse too. That’s what I always told myself as a kid even though I felt it could be better.

What if the adversity we experienced was an important part of what built our strengths of character and who we are? What if our experience isn’t the problem? What if its our relationship to it that is messing up our life? It’s been said for years by many people that perspective is everything. This Blog is my best effort in sharing my story. After over 5 years of meeting with a mentor and therapist every week and challenging my perspective and creating a new context to live my best life.  Seminars and workshops across the country also were an important part of getting outside my comfort zone and recognize how I see and hear vs what I see and hear.  I am extremely grateful be able to share my journey from living like a terrified hurting little boy to a healthy and happy guy married to the partner of my dreams and living into our dreams and goals enjoying every day to the fullest extent. Thank you for joining me.

 Full disclosure, I am scared as hell and doing this anyway.  And I suck with computers…