Even more time has passed than I have realized since my last post. It is clear I am avoiding. Please forgive me as I navigate through this. As usual I jumped right into this and created overwhelm by not seeking help and trying to do things on my own. By choosing to create overwhelm, I cut off my effectiveness and possibility to move, change and grow. What I get out of this is more of the same. An illusion of control for my ego to feel powerful and right. It feels good to be right. I get to be right about thoughts like, “who the hell am I to be writing a blog. What do I know about websites. I feel like an imposter…like the world needs another self help essay…” and all kinds of other bullshit. This is part of my old addiction. A mental masturbation of bullshit and disempowering thoughts. This is how my ego survives.
Answers and being right are in the domain of what I know and know I don’t know. knowledge. My experience so far, the context I created in the past and my ego decided it wasn’t going to allow that to happen again so it created coping mechanisms in order not to feel. When I don’t have to feel, I don’t have to experience. I don’t have to ask questions. I can stay busy and avoid. Stay in my comfort zone. I can basically be dead.
This is me staying in the realm of the questions.
Questions are in the domain of possibilities. Where life happens. Me showing up writing this blog is a way to create new possibilities in the world for people to move, change, and grow.
Living my life with a willingness to stay curious and stay asking the questions, the hard questions, used to be a real challenge. I am happy to report it is enjoyable and fascinating to me now. I used to beat myself up about everything. Any opportunity I got I was kicking my own ass about something. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” was a phrase I would say to myself countless times a day. Even for years after I realized that was not serving me in any way other than putting me in the perspective to only see what was wrong with me. Only in the last 2-3 years have I challenged that thought enough times to replace it with “Who am I being right now” or “What am I wanting/needing right now” or one of my favorites, “what would someone that loves themselves do”. Teal Swan gifted that to me in her book Shadows before the Dawn.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me that I asked myself that. My stepfather would confront me often with “You dumb shit, what the hells wrong with you?!” At least thats my story about it anyway. I have seen enough studies to prove even eye witness accounts and peoples memories are undependable and inaccurate at best. However, when it comes to our brains, it doesn’t care. Our experience is our experience. The brain doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. Either way it will create a chemical/hormonal response that will compel us to behave in a pre programed way. Maybe a way that we figured out real quickly at a very young age would keep us safe or alive. Or if it happens often enough it creates feelings of familiarity that even if abusive, creates comfort for us. That response doesn’t leave any space or time for asking questions. It makes it imperative for us to react to a stimulus as if our life depended on it. Even if that stimulus is a simple compulsive thought. In our own head.
So as I go about my day, I am committed to asking myself questions that empower me and those around me. These questions can be a challenge. It is a worthy cause I can promise you. Even if I am on my chosen path, doing exactly what I set out to do, the simple question “why am I doing this” can remind me to be in the present moment and respond to the ever constant stream of possible triggers and upsets along the path. Another one of my favorite questions to ask myself is “Is it true?” in example… “Is it true I do not have any value to add to the world through a blog?” Well, who really cares? It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Whatever the answer is, if I remain in the question of “What do I have to offer?” or “How can I learn better to add value through sharing my experience?’ I will stick with these last two for a bit. Thanks for being part of the process. What are the questions you ask yourself?