Hello world!

I have been thinking of writing a blog for a while however never believed I had the skills, the time, or even anyone would care about what I had to say. I am someone who has devoted the majority of my attention to becoming a better version of myself for a long time. Since the death of one of my closest friends, a motorcycle accident in the fall of 2011, it became a matter of real urgency. Everything I had thought that I dealt with and gotten over, or tried to pretend didn’t bother me anymore all came flooding back to accompany the grief of losing my friend. The truth was I had not dealt with much of it. I just stuffed it away. It became clear that I had been coping with the pain I was in with avoiding it…working 80-100 hours a week. As much as I thought I was doing great building my business, it was taking a toll on my personal life, my health, and limiting my possibility of changing trajectory of my life.

The loss of my friend had hit hard for many reasons. One of which was that him and I had grown up in a similar way. Lets just say heavy handed alcoholics and co-dependent mothers. fear of abandonment and lack of self worth had me driven to do anything it took to succeed, not be rejected, and stay in situations and relationships that were toxic. He was married with 2 young boys and I really looked up to him. He seemed to have a lot of things figured out that I had not and our talks really helped me to have hope that I could make my life work. When he was suddenly gone, it woke me up to the reality that life happens now, and so could death. He was a man that did great things, had a wonderful family, and a successful business. A man who considered everyone his friend and led an inspiring life in spite of his struggles, as well as because of them. There was about 500 people at his funeral and I am willing to bet every person there had been helped and inspired by him in a big way. This made me look at my own life and wonder how I would be remembered if I had died. At that point I felt the only thing people would say was that I was a nice guy and a hard worker. I realized how selfish I was. How I just worked and avoided. I made work a priority over everything else in my life. I had done nothing in my life that really impacted anyone.

A short time before he died he had told me about the therapist he had been seeing to help him deal with the anger he had from childhood. It took me a few months, but I did start seeing him and it was the beginning of an arduous journey of self discovery and opening up to the reality of my experience of living. I started to become a student of Addiction and Co-dependence. Most of the research had been done at that point around alcoholism. I never thought of myself as addicted to anything. I was sure mistaken. I had no perspective on people that suffered from addiction. I didn’t realize they were coping and avoiding pain. I also didn’t think I had been affected by alcoholism because my mother and stepfather didn’t drink. After being challenged by the therapist to become a detective of my life and my parents life I realized my stepfather had been a drunk. My mother had been married twice before, both times to men who were alcoholics. My older brothers father had struggled with drugs and gambling as well. Come to find out my mother told my stepfather she couldnt be with him if he was going to drink so he quit. Little did I realize the problem with addiction is it does not go away when the substance isnt being abused. I learned that I was the replacement of the alcohol for my stepfather. I was only 4-5 years old when he came into my life so I didnt understand. I was desperate for a father figure so I could put up with quite a lot.

Today I have been married a year to a woman with true integrity and loves all of me and I love all of her. I am proud of myself and my life is really going well. We are excited about our life and what we each have to bring to the table and what we can create together. All the hard times and the struggle has taught me so much. I guess I chose to learn from them. I am where I am today because I chose to rise above my adversity and I consider myself fortunate for the perspective it has given me and the level of empathy and understanding for others who are struggling. I aim to be a voice for possibility in peoples lives and continue to challenge myself and others with the hard questions that make a difference. My biggest intention is to challenge the context in which I live as well as others and help to expose the lies that we tell ourselves and the truth we choose to leave out of the narrative. I aim to challenge the stories we tell each other that continue to support the context we live in. This is not to make them right or wrong, good or bad….they are just what they are. Stories. The question is, are the words and stories we tell supporting our highest good? Or are they keeping us stuck in our old patterns of destructive behaviors that shape our lives and affect those around us in a disempowering or even destructive way.

Here’s to a brighter future for all and a healthier world for having done the work to expose the dark side in each and every one of us. If you are reading this and made it this far, you are obviously doing your best to change, heal and grow into the best version of yourself and I honor your courage. keep going. I promise you it is worth it. Thank you so much for any feedback and for sharing your journey so others can learn and grow from your share. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It is my best wish that it inspires you.